The Beginning of Awareness

The year was 1997,  during that summer and five years before I would meet Fabian, that my personal evolution of change and the awakening in my heart and mind would finally take hold. Up to that point l had spent so many years trying to evolve, trying to find myself. I searched to discover ways to heal my broken and damaged heart through church, through prayer, meditation, music, counseling and people who I thought were friends. I was so young, in my twenty’s, still repeating all the crazy dysfunctional behaviors I learned when I was growing up. I was having children from the age of 21-28 years old and giving it my all to provide them with the love and security I never had. I grew up in Hawthorne, Ca. The oldest of 5 children. All of us kids having different Fathers. My Mother did the very best she could to make sure we were fed and clothed. We didn’t have much but Mom worked two and three jobs to ensure we were taken care of. In her way she loved us all and she made many sacrifices to show that love to us. Mom also drank, she was a functional alcoholic for awhile before finally getting deeply involved in AA and did recover fully. Mom worked for an Aerospace Company as an executive secretary and she was good! She was very intelligent. She also worked at the corner bar as a side job to make ends meet, as I reference in the song “Full Circle” that I wrote for my Cd called Full Circle. Sadly, I was a victim of child abuse and violence from my early childhood due to the questionable men Mom brought home and several did marry. Abuse had become a pattern of acceptance and what I knew as normal and continued on as I grew up into adulthood and on into two very sad and failed marriages. Two marriages where domestic violence and emotional abuse were part of my daily life. Deep down in my soul I knew this was not normal, it just couldn’t be. I believed that somehow I could break this generational trauma, I needed to make the right choices and I felt strongly that someday I would rise up like a roaring lion and step into the life that was actually meant for me to live. A life where I laughed more, where i wasn’t afraid anymore, a life where my children would be safe and happy and that they would forgive me for the mistakes I made and that I could forgive myself. It was during that summer of 1997 at the age of 37 years old that I finally gathered up enough courage to stand and fight for myself and my children; I got off the crazy ride and got down on my knees the for the next four years and I prayed with all my might for a way out and for deliverance, for my poor children and myself to be delivered from the past. I needed a chance to start over again and this time do things the right way. I knew I had failed miserably at trying to be normal and I was tired. If I was ever going to be in another relationship again I knew I would not be capable of choosing an emotionally healthy and loving man. I believed that my Creator would have to choose for me so I left that up to Him with deep faith, fasting and prayers. God spoke to my heart and as I took those first steps towards filing a restraining order against my abuser Creator showed me the way and I knew i would need to be brave and to have courage for what was ahead. It became like the parting of the Red Sea as I made my escape in order to enter the promised land. This is a short summary of things that took place so many years ago. Some things are extremely difficult for me to write about because they haunt me to this day. Once we’ve addressed trauma and are able to move forward it’s best not to relive it or give power to it. I’m strong now and I see what is good to share so I can help others who might be struggling or suffering with some of these same issues I experienced. I understand now Gods incredible timing and how my Creator was paving the way to heal a life of pain and to usher in what would turn out to be the most beautiful, magical and blessed future for my life. My soul mate, my twin flame, Fabian Fontenelle, my night in shining armor would soon arrive. And so he did on September 15, 2001! To be continued in my next blog  ... ❤️🙏🏽 = (Love & Gratitude)

3 comments

  • Wendi
    Wendi Florida
    Mom had a rough childhood and marriages as well. She’s done a great job raising us to be strong women. Nothing is possible without the Creators strength behind us showing us the way. Looking forward to reading more of your blog. You are beautiful and an amazing role model for your children. Feel the love!

    Mom had a rough childhood and marriages as well. She’s done a great job raising us to be strong women. Nothing is possible without the Creators strength behind us showing us the way. Looking forward to reading more of your blog. You are beautiful and an amazing role model for your children. Feel the love!

  • Miriam
    Miriam The Califirnia Motherlode
    You have a wonderful gift of expression through writing...thank you for sharing... for trusting humankind with these precious reflextions. One day a book, perhaps?

    You have a wonderful gift of expression through writing...thank you for sharing... for trusting humankind with these precious reflextions. One day a book, perhaps?

  • Jean
    Jean California with Love
    May you continue to be courageous and inspired to express your story. The beauty of your talents radiates because you are able to let the light shine out of the darkness. Thank you Creator for continuing to bless Shelley and Fabian. They are a special gift to us all and for that I am humbled and grateful.

    May you continue to be courageous and inspired to express your story. The beauty of your talents radiates because you are able to let the light shine out of the darkness. Thank you Creator for continuing to bless Shelley and Fabian. They are a special gift to us all and for that I am humbled and grateful.

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