Dance, pray, sing

The Joy and Pain of Transformation ...  

That year of 1998! That was one of the best years of my life besides the birth of my babies. I don’t think anything in this world could hold more gratitude in my heart other then my children but yeah 1998 was transforming. I was stretched and tested in every way imaginable. 

I was finally living in my own small, humble little home with my eleven year old, youngest son. My two older children were living with their dad and getting ready for college. I could breathe again, joy and strength were slowly returning. I was a manager at Ralphs grocery store, a great union job. I also worked part time at a nearby salon as I was blessed to have my cosmetology license. I was making ends meet and I was independent for the first time in 18 years! I‘d forgotten what it felt like to be single, on my own. On the flip side of joy and relief I was deeply sad at times. I felt like a failure, I worked so hard at my jobs and there was this underlying faith and hope that I held onto that all would be okay eventually. I was tortured by my ex‘s and debt collectors. I worried for my children, I cried a lot that year, I cried myself to sleep on many nights that year. 

I left my church that I‘d been so involved in. I was part of the worship team, I wrote music, attended bible studies and children’s youth group. Once I filed for divorce against my violent, drug addict, alcoholic husband the church leaders frowned on me. They basically threw me under the bus. They removed me from any leadership position. They were ashamed of me for filing for divorce. I was supposed to pray for the abusive husband they said. I could have remained at that church to further be victimized but I knew this was my moment, my chance to claim victory. I would no longer accept being a victim to anyone or anything. So I left the church and I vowed never to look back. The God that I serve spoke to my heart and said *Shelley, that is not Me“ I said *Okay Lord, show me who you really are, I am listening“ and He did. I may have left what I felt was a cult but I wasn‘t about to turn my back on God almighty! 

I began to fast and pray off and on, and so It was decided in the heavens I would suffer a terrible back injury at work that same year. The Universe was beginning to direct my path according to all my prayers and tears offered up. At that point I found myself single, one young son still at home, in the blink of an eye without a job and in excruciating pain on a daily basis. I was in physical therapy weekly leading up to 2001 for my back. In between all that was happening I worked so hard with much love to care for and to do all the things I needed to do for my sweet son. I was learning how to accept things I couldn’t change, I was relaxing in the absolute peace I found in my home and in my soul. No more violence, no more unpredictable crazy behavior from my abuser. Soon I would be ready for retraining for another job. I would eventually opt to take computer training courses and Iearn website design. I put my guitar and singing away. I couldn’t bring myself to play or sing. For me that was disturbing since my whole life had been centered around music. But I couldn’t do what I could not feel. My life was changing rapidly and through all the challenges I was growing and learning new things. I looked deeply into the face of why I married the men I chose. I started to come to terms with the choices I made and why, based on what I thought was normal.  I bared my soul before God and asked for forgiveness for my part in all of it and for healing for my broken heart and soul. In my prayers I told my Creator that I had hoped for a soul mate but I did not know how to choose anyone healthy. My picker was broken. I said *Lord, if there‘s anyone out there for me you will need to choose them and show me“ and so, in good time He did .... (to be continued) ❤️🙏🏽

The Beginning of Awareness  

The year was 1997,  during that summer and five years before I would meet Fabian, that my personal evolution of change and the awakening in my heart and mind would finally take hold. Up to that point l had spent so many years trying to evolve, trying to find myself. I searched to discover ways to heal my broken and damaged heart through church, through prayer, meditation, music, counseling and people who I thought were friends. I was so young, in my twenty’s, still repeating all the crazy dysfunctional behaviors I learned when I was growing up. I was having children from the age of 21-28 years old and giving it my all to provide them with the love and security I never had. I grew up in Hawthorne, Ca. The oldest of 5 children. All of us kids having different Fathers. My Mother did the very best she could to make sure we were fed and clothed. We didn’t have much but Mom worked two and three jobs to ensure we were taken care of. In her way she loved us all and she made many sacrifices to show that love to us. Mom also drank, she was a functional alcoholic for awhile before finally getting deeply involved in AA and did recover fully. Mom worked for an Aerospace Company as an executive secretary and she was good! She was very intelligent. She also worked at the corner bar as a side job to make ends meet, as I reference in the song “Full Circle” that I wrote for my Cd called Full Circle. Sadly, I was a victim of child abuse and violence from my early childhood due to the questionable men Mom brought home and several did marry. Abuse had become a pattern of acceptance and what I knew as normal and continued on as I grew up into adulthood and on into two very sad and failed marriages. Two marriages where domestic violence and emotional abuse were part of my daily life. Deep down in my soul I knew this was not normal, it just couldn’t be. I believed that somehow I could break this generational trauma, I needed to make the right choices and I felt strongly that someday I would rise up like a roaring lion and step into the life that was actually meant for me to live. A life where I laughed more, where i wasn’t afraid anymore, a life where my children would be safe and happy and that they would forgive me for the mistakes I made and that I could forgive myself. It was during that summer of 1997 at the age of 37 years old that I finally gathered up enough courage to stand and fight for myself and my children; I got off the crazy ride and got down on my knees the for the next four years and I prayed with all my might for a way out and for deliverance, for my poor children and myself to be delivered from the past. I needed a chance to start over again and this time do things the right way. I knew I had failed miserably at trying to be normal and I was tired. If I was ever going to be in another relationship again I knew I would not be capable of choosing an emotionally healthy and loving man. I believed that my Creator would have to choose for me so I left that up to Him with deep faith, fasting and prayers. God spoke to my heart and as I took those first steps towards filing a restraining order against my abuser Creator showed me the way and I knew i would need to be brave and to have courage for what was ahead. It became like the parting of the Red Sea as I made my escape in order to enter the promised land. This is a short summary of things that took place so many years ago. Some things are extremely difficult for me to write about because they haunt me to this day. Once we’ve addressed trauma and are able to move forward it’s best not to relive it or give power to it. I’m strong now and I see what is good to share so I can help others who might be struggling or suffering with some of these same issues I experienced. I understand now Gods incredible timing and how my Creator was paving the way to heal a life of pain and to usher in what would turn out to be the most beautiful, magical and blessed future for my life. My soul mate, my twin flame, Fabian Fontenelle, my night in shining armor would soon arrive. And so he did on September 15, 2001! To be continued in my next blog  ... ❤️🙏🏽 = (Love & Gratitude)

Connecting hearts ....  

 I said I would share our story, going back to the beginning of when Fabian and I met. That’s when both of our lives changed forever in the most beautiful way. And so I will, blog by blog, tell my story, our story.  I prayed for my soul mate so many years ago and Creator heard me. It didn’t come without a price or without pain. Any blessing I’ve ever received in my life has not come without challenges, lessons and enlightenment. The light does not exist without the darkness.  

How often do we spend time with people, friends, family and yet do not know their story of all the experiences, joys, and heartaches they’ve suffered? We barely touch the surface if at all sometimes. Then one day we share some life event and the other person says “ hey I went through that too”. Or “omg I never knew”.  Then, ultimately, hearts and souls connect.  

I want to share our journey with you all, thus far, so you know who we truly are, where we’ve been and how each one of us are all connected by very similar experiences.   

In my next blog I’ll begin with the year 1997;  five years before I met my sweetheart Fabian ❤️ 🙏🏽 = (Love & Gratitude) 

Welcome!  

Hello family! I received an absolutely eye opening and inspirational newsletter this morning from a dear friend. It made me think and brought me to a new and important focus in my own life. I’ve been too preoccupied with things that deplete my heart & soul. Easy to do at times. I’ve needed to remember the importance of putting my energy and time into those things that not only bring growth and joy to myself but that also inspire those around me. The newsletter took me all the way back to almost 20 years ago, when Fabian and I decided to take a step of faith and make music and dancing as our means to survival. So many years ago we both quit our jobs and embarked on this journey together! In my next Blog post I will take you to that place in our lives as I recount those moments that ultimately led to where we are today. It will be an ongoing blog basically of sharing our lives and our journey with you all. All the joy and the pain. Stay tuned, ❤️ 🙏🏽 = (Love & Gratitude)