Show me Love  

So many things happened between 1998 and 2000, too many to count. I worked hard to recover from my back injury, going to acupuncture twice a week and physical therapy. I needed to depend on disibility to survive, to feed my youngest son and pay my rent. I sold my prized Ovation guitar to pay bills, I cried over that one. I spent a lot of time at home learning how to use a computer. I didn't grow up with computers and if it wasn't for my kids I probably wouldn't have known where to find the power button.  I found that I really enjoyed it which actually led to my decision to study web design for my job reassignment. Those few years before I would meet Fabian were happy, sad, interesting, tragic, enlightening and educational on so many levels. I went through a huge range of emotional highs and lows. I was living in Southern California at the time where I was born and raised. I had so much to workout within my own heart, mind and soul but for the first time in my life I felt deeply that I could have a life filled with peace and not violence going forward. I sat by the ocean on many days, listening to music through my headphones, praying, talking to God and the Universe. Sometimes I could hear and feel Gods comforting, still small voice reminding me that all would be good soon. With tears streaming down my face it brought relief to hear that voice and with faith I received it and I believed it.  I needed to be healed not only from two broken marriages but also from a deeply painful and abusive childhood. For the first time in my adult life I was looking directly at the outcome of the damage, the choices I made and why. I grieved for not having a Father who cared about me and whom I had never met or known. I knew I needed to forgive my Mother for the abuse and neglect, for her drinking and bad choices of men. I was separated from my two older children most of the time due to my ex husband and his wife. They were so cruel to me and always made sure to punish me using my children. Most of all, and most importantly, they hurt and injured the hearts and spirits of my children. I can still see the damage on them from so many years ago and for that, even to this day, I struggle with forgiving them but I am still trying.  I find it easier to forgive those that have hurt me when I look at the bigger picture of where they've been in their own lives and what issues plague them which are causes for abusing others. I also carried anger towards myself for allowing myself to become a victim, for allowing my children to be victimised by selfish people. I didn't know how to stand up for them or myself back then, I was controlled by fear. After all, that was my expected normal.  So, those few years after my second divorce were painful but an extremely crucial time of self discovery and healing from my past. I still couldn't play my guitar, I felt my voice was silenced and I couldn't bring myself to sing. There was plenty of inspiration for songs, songs about heartbreak and love gone wrong and songs about no good ex's but nothing came. I was okay with it because I thought maybe this is what needed to happen for the time being. When my Mother went through Alcoholics Anonymous In the 1980's I went with her on many occasions to support her through her recovery. In those meeting's the Serenity Prayer was recited at the end of each session. That prayer stuck with me through the years and this was the time in my life I needed it more then ever. I found myself saying that prayer almost everyday. It meant so much to me to finally realize what the words of this prayer truly meant. There were things, situations, etc that I had no control over but there were those things I could change and situations where I did have power. This prayer provided a bridge, a way for me to begin my journey to wholeness and to enlightenment. I needed to embrace all that I could change and make right and accept all that I could not and be grateful. I wanted to forgive myself, I needed to forgive myself. All that had happened in the past I couldn't change and I couldn't go back. Moving forward I learned I had choices and I could shape and guide my destiny through good decisions, faith and positive thinking. It was during this time of realization that through self love and forgiving of self that shame began to leave my body. In 2009 I was writing music for an album of mine called Full Circle. I thought back to this time, of how I felt with so many deep emotions, how lost I felt and how I was searching for answers and healing. I was at the ocean shore again during a visit with my Mother when I wrote a song for that album called Show Me Love as I relived that time. I have learned and believe that we can use the pain of our past and the lessons learned from it to help others, to give support and encouragement to those who may be going through or have experienced similar things. I am not afraid of truth rather I am empowered by it. It is with great joy now, in this present time, that I offer myself to you as a Sister, a Mother, a GrandMother and friend to aid in what ever way I can in your journey to wellness. You are welcome to listen and download the song Show Me Love below <3 (to be continued) 

2 comments

  • Julie Arfsten
    Julie Arfsten Petaluma, California
    Hi Shelley Wow, this what you wrote brought tears to my eyes with all you have gone through and how far you have come to feel whole again. I know what you mean about the Serenity Prayer as I have had on occasions felt it's comfort too. I am so very proud of you to have pulled yourself up from all the unhappiness that you have gone through and even prouder on how your life changed for the better. Your writings have really inspired me to the things I myself have gone through and most of all to have forgiven my Mom who I loved dearly for verbal abuse during my childhood. Even if she is gone I play everyday my flutes to her as she loved to hear me play. She and I besides being Mother and daughter were best friends too as time moved on. Also having to go through my Dad's drinking problems I have also forgiven him and just try to remember the good times we had especially going on our wonderful trail rides Even though they both are gone I feel it's best to remember the good times I had with them. So you see your writings have impacted on me to let go of the bad and move on for the betterment of the now. I think your writings should be made into a book to help others going through the same situations to help themselves become whole again. I also liked how some of your songs came about. Will be looking forward to more of your writings. Take Care, Julie

    Hi Shelley
    Wow, this what you wrote brought tears to my eyes with all you have gone through and how far you have come to feel whole again. I know what you mean about the Serenity Prayer as I have had on occasions felt it's comfort too. I am so very proud of you to have pulled yourself up from all the unhappiness that you have gone through and even prouder on how your life changed for the better. Your writings have really inspired me to the things I myself have gone through and most of all to have forgiven my Mom who I loved dearly for verbal abuse during my childhood. Even if she is gone I play everyday my flutes to her as she loved to hear me play. She and I besides being Mother and daughter were best friends too as time moved on. Also having to go through my Dad's drinking problems I have also forgiven him and just try to remember the good times we had especially going on our wonderful trail rides Even though they both are gone I feel it's best to remember the good times I had with them. So you see your writings have impacted on me to let go of the bad and move on for the betterment of the now. I think your writings should be made into a book to help others going through the same situations to help themselves become whole again. I also liked how some of your songs came about. Will be looking forward to more of your writings. Take Care, Julie

  • Susan Oliver
    Susan Oliver Nashville
    Shelley - you are so strong and powerful and such an inspiration! I cannot imagine that you ever felt those feelings knowing you now. We all have a long journey and I am so proud to call you friend and sister! You are a shining light in this world!

    Shelley - you are so strong and powerful and such an inspiration! I cannot imagine that you ever felt those feelings knowing you now. We all have a long journey and I am so proud to call you friend and sister! You are a shining light in this world!

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